Some People Really Are THAT Freaky.

So, last night Jeffery and I are in Barnes and Noble.....waiting for our lattes before heading into the mall to kill some time. We take a seat in their little cafe and proceed to wait........the line was long and we knew we'd be there for a little bit. As we sit and wait our turn we both notice this guy sitting a few seats down from us. He was sitting next to a lady and talking......REALLY loudly. Both Jeffery and I didn't really pay attention to him until we heard,

"Yea, I have nice hair - but that doesn't define me. Yea, my face is symmetrical and nice looking - but that doesn't define me. Sure, I have a nice body and I'm a nice person - but that doesn't define me, either."

Dude. I wish I would have thought to take a picture of this guy. Because, dude had a MULLET. A mullet that went clear down to the middle of his back. He was wearing an old baseball hat backwards.....and his face? Not so very nice looking. Certainly not nice looking enough looking to POINT OUT THE FACT THAT HE WAS NICE LOOKING.

He goes on to talk about how he used to have a body like a professional body builder but how he gave that up because he didn't want that to "define" him (what, exactly, does define him, I ask. The fact that he's a dumbass?) Then he tells this poor lady all about how cool he was in high school (I quote - "I was a member of the debate team, science club, wrestling, football, baseball, track, soccer, yearbook, student government......and I was one of the cool kids......" - man, that guy was busy. And, I swear to God, he must have practiced that little speach in the mirror at least a dozen times - cuz he was whippin' out that list of activities like nobody's business.)

The guy looked to be my age - at least. In my opinion - once you hit your 30's - you should stop bragging about high school. Hell, who am I kidding? You should stop bragging about high school right after you GRADUATE from high school, am I right?

Anyway, the whole time this conversation was going on Jeffery and I kept glancing at each other and trying not to giggle. I kept thinking to myself......is this some kind of joke? Are people really this freaky? Why is that girl still talking to him? Are we on Candid Camera?

As Jeffery and I pick up our lattes and head out into the mall he says to me, "Man, I wish my phone had a video camera......that would have been awesome on Youtube!"

The kid was right. That dude would have been Youtube gold.

And the moral of this story? Don't let your good looks define you. Some people really are freaks. And the dating pool? Must be VERY shallow if that chick was sticking around and listening to that much bullshit.

The End.

Merry Freakin' Christmas, by the way.

Devil Woman, OUT.

"Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where's The Tylenol?"

Anyone recognize this quote?

It's from my very favorite Christmas movie - "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation". I seriously love me some Clark Griswold.

And this is EXACTLY how I'm feeling right now. Why, you ask? Well, because I'm DONE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING! I'm done making crap. (err.....not crap, per say - since I am giving some of you people this "crap" - but you get my drift, right?) I'm done mailing shit out. Done shopping. Done thinking of what to buy. Done worrying over how much to spend. Done. Done. Done.

So, "Hallelujah! Holy Shit! Where's The Tylenol?"

Oh, and Merry Freakin' Monday Before Christmas! I hope you're as "done" as I am. Or maybe not. Guess it depends on if you like shopping......and making crap.......and mailing shit out.....and spending money. If that's your thing....well, I hope it never ends. For you, anyway.

Devil Woman, OUT.

Everything I Always Wanted But Never Had

Well, it's almost Christmas. I'm sorta, kinda, ALMOST ready.......sorta. Kinda.

Anyway, I was just thinking about all the cool stuff that I got for Christmas when I was a kid (you know, way back in the olden days) and I thought to myself....."Geez. I think I was kind of spoiled. Was there anything that I always wanted that I didn't get?"

Why, of course there was! I mean, even the most spoiled rotten kid has some stuff they always wished for but never got, right?

So, I did a little internet search and I came up with six things I was DYING to have - but never got.

1. The Fisher Price Cash Register:



Oh, I had the shopping cart that went with the Fisher Price cash register......but no actual cash register. Pretty sure my Mom was trying to torture me....."Oh, Amanda, you know that cash register that you've always wanted? Well, guess what? I got you a shopping cart to go with it! Now you can pretend to ring things up on your imaginary cash register and then put them in your real shopping cart! Won't that be fun?" Yea, Mom. Not fun.

2. Baby Alive:



Ok, so I might be lying on this one......was Baby Alive even out when I was a kid? Either way - I would have totally wanted one of these babies. I mean, who doesn't want a baby doll that pees? And, by the way, how freaky is that baby doll's face? Scary. I have a "thing" about baby doll faces. And porcelain doll faces. Actually, pretty much any doll faces. Their eyes.....they just follow you everywhere........

3. The Barbie Head:


Ok, there's a little back story on this one.......you see, I had the WORST hair as a child. It was always short - cuz I never wanted my Mom to comb it. Plus she didn't really know how to fix long hair.....So I had short, weird hair growing up. As a matter of fact, I even sported a mullet for several years. I know. A mullet. Cuz I wall all business in the front - and party in the back......at age 8. Yea, I was a big partier when I was 8.

I always wanted long hair.....and my favorite two past times as a child were: 1. Fixing my Barbie doll's hair and 2. Wearing a slip on my head and pretending like it was my long, flowing hair. Yes, I said a slip. A pretty white slip that was meant to be worn under church dresses. But, since I never went to church, I just wore the damn thing on my head. And not just once or twice.....for several YEARS. Let's just say I was a "creative" child. Hell, I even tied the slip into "pony tails" on top of my head. What must my mother have thought about that?

Anyway, back to the Barbie head. I ALWAYS wanted one of these Barbie heads.....so that I could put make up on her and fix her hair. I could french braid her hair, put it into a pony tail, give her corn rows, put it in a bun....the possibilities were endless......But, NO, I never got a Barbie head. Cuz I was deprived. Basically, I just got bread and water before bed every night and I had to entertain myself with a piece of string. Cuz that was the only toy I ever had. That and the Fisher Price shopping cart.

4. The Famous Pink & Grey 10 Speed Bike:

What? It's not really that famous? Well, let me tell ya.....back in Florida when I was a little girl? Everyone who was anyone had a pink and grey 10 speed bike. And, of course, I - being the deprived kid that I was - got the purple and white one instead. Can you see the horrible conditions I had to grow up in, people? It was bad.

5. The Easy Bake Oven:

I completely blame the fact that I cannot cook on my Mother. She never bought me an Easy Bake Oven. And, trust me, if I would have learned to cook with a light bulb in my younger years I would be, like, a CHEF at this point in my life. But, NO.....no Easy Bake Oven for Amanda. No light bulb cooking for Amanda. Just bread and water for Amanda. I guess you can't really do much with bread and water in an Easy Bake Oven.

6. The Walkman CD Player:

Back in Junior High you just weren't COOL unless you had a Walkman CD player. And I SO wasn't cool. Cuz I had a Walkman tape player. And the headphones had neon orange cover thingies on them. Really, I don't think I could have gotten much dorkier. But, I have to admit, my Walkman tape player could rock the hell out of Paula Abdul's "Straight Up".

So, there you have it. The top 6 gifts that I never got. Cuz I was a tortured kid.

But not really. I was spoiled rotten - with love, attention and lots and lots of TOYS! Well, except for on those days when I was only allowed bread, water......and string.

Devil Woman, OUT.

Merry Freakin' Christmas.....

Robert just wanted to pop in and say,

"Merry Christmas!........also, am I smokin' hot - or what?"



Why, yes, Robert - you are smokin' hot.

In other news..........oh, who am I kidding? I have no other news.

Happy Thursday, Internet.

Devil Woman, OUT.

P.S. Take a moment to go read this post over on MAMAPOP. Freakin' hilarious. Also, I totally agree......what would be so wrong with hanging your kid on the bathroom door? Hmmmm.....maybe it is a good thing that I've never had a baby, huh?

Free To A Good Home.

Ok, so I take a break from work this afternoon to take Tug for a potty break. I get home and all is well.....no potty accidents on the floor.....no chewed up shoes......Andy's still alive.....like I said, all is well.

Only not really.

I go into my living room and what do I see? A suspicious white circle in the middle of my floor. What the heck? So I go to check it out and, guess what? That damn dog somehow tore up a circle of carpet in the MIDDLE OF MY FREAKING LIVING ROOM FLOOR! In the middle! Down to the padding! How does that even happen? In the middle of the floor?

So, now I have to replace the damn carpet in the whole living room.

Things aren't looking too good for Tug at this point. Oh, sure, he's just a puppy. And he's cute and wrinkly. But I don't give a shit. Damn dog chewed up my carpet. And my shoe! And my couch pillow!

Holy Shit, I could kill him. Kill him!

So, in the interest of Tug staying alive.....anyone want a giant {extremely} naughty dog? He's cute. And one day he'll be really good.....just not one day soon.

Free to a good home.

Devil Woman, OUT.

The Freak Show.

So, last night I went to the gym. I go to the locker room......get my gear on.....try not to make eye contact with any naked women in the dressing room.....and head upstairs for a run. I pick my treadmill......switch the TV thingy to Family Guy and start runnin'.

About halfway through my run some dude gets on the treadmill next to mine and starts walking. A minute or so later a lady gets on the treadmill on his other side. They proceed to chat while they walk (which, to me, means they aren't workin' hard enough - but, hey, to each his own, right?).

So I finish my run and walk past the dude and the lady and what do I see? The are freaking holding hands.....while walking on side by side treadmills.

Seriously.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those grinchy people who thing that PDA's are a big no-no.....but, holding hands while walking on treadmills? That's just crossing a line, people. I mean, first off - sweaty hands! Ew! Makes me want to douse myself with hand sanitizer right now. Second, how old are we? 13? And third, can we not keep our hands off one another long enough to walk a mile on the treadmill? Get a freakin' room.

Geez.

And, there you have it. Further evidence of my bad attitude. But, seriously, holding hands on the treadmill? Kind of makes me want to throw up.

Anyway, just thought I'd let ya know that it's a regular freak show over at The Apple, people. There are naked people......hand holding people.....and.....ME! Can't get much more freaky that than, right?

Devil Woman, OUT.

Just Call Me Fantasia Lusty Horn.

Because according to a VERY reliable email that I received from my friend Miss Lupe "Fantasia Lusty Horn" is my official stripper name.

So just call me Fantasia Lusty Horn.

No shortening the name, either. It's all or nothing here, people. I want to be called Fantasia Lusty Horn......Not Fantasia. Not Ms. Lusty Horn. Not Lusty McGee. Nope. I want the full name or no name at all.

In other news.....I went to a craft fair thingy with Bonnie this weekend and one of the salesman guys asked me if I have any Grandchildren.

Grandchildren!

I have officially been traumatized....FOR LIFE. Apparently I look old enough to have Grandchildren. I think I'll just give up now. I'll just crawl in bed and sleep the rest of my life away. I'll buy, like, 32 cats and call it a day. Really, what's the point in living at all if I look old enough to have grandchildren.....at 32, for God's sakes!

I think perhaps the only thing that will bring me back from my SEVERELY depressed state (caused by some dude who thinks I have Grandchildren) is a Christmas gift or two.

That's right, people. Christmas gifts will surely cheer me up and make life worth living again. If you're really concerned about me then you should check out this.....and this. Both of these would make me extremely happy. If they were to come in the mail I might just consider getting out of bed again.

Also, Fantasia Lusty Horn really likes this. Yes, people, that is a Christmas Pickle. Apparently some people (namely Fantasia Lusty Horn) have a tradition of "hiding the pickle" on the Christmas Tree. Sounds kinda dirty to me. That Fantasia.....sometimes I really wonder about her.

Devil Woman, OUT.

P.S. I just finished "The Lovely Bones" by: Alice Sebold last Friday. I loved it - so if you're looking for a good read you should check it out. Now I'm reading "The Lost Symbol" by: Dan Brown - I'm over halfway through it and it's really good. So that's another book I recommend. If you're looking for a good book to read, anyway. Oh, yea - and I bought the new John Mayer CD a couple weeks ago and it is WAY good. Sure, the guy comes off looking like a huge jerk most of the time.....but, man, does he have a sexy voice. So I recommend that, too.

P.S.S. I was totally kidding about the whole "buy me a Christmas present" thing. Mostly.